Fucks with it.

All love goes out to the homie Phil T Rich. This fool is crazy and has gone beyond himself and what Norwegian hip hop concerns with his new EP. We're so proud of you here at the collective and you know your girls got'chu any day of the week!

So download or die, sugarplums - KOM SÅ TOK FÆRDIIH

Baby, let's toke about it.

Hi.

Remember me?

Well, life has been a roller-coaster ride lately and i have been busy out of this universe trying to stay on track. Since my last visit in Oslo, which by the fucking way was BEAUTIFUL, i have been swamped with the hustle. In return for my around the clock grind, my future is now looking mighty bright. Dreams are coming true left and right and my creativity is finally being put back to work.

So i guess what i'm trying to say is, sorry peeps. Shit's been slow but it's about to get real.

Love ya'll.

Fuck bitche$, get money.

Climax.

It's been a minute since my last post and my only explanation is that i've been listening to climax on repeat for the past 5 days. I'm not sure what to make of that.

I start my day up on the roof, there's nothing like this kind of view.

Have you ever had the feeling of floating on air? Like life is all happening an inch above the ground? That was last night wrapped in beauty and lights. The high of life, with my high in life, my girls. Taking everything for what it is and adding a pinch of extra love.

Everything is always love when i come back to this place, everything. Feelings are enhanced, tiny moments turn into forever and amazing friends wrap their wings around you. 

So let me tell you what is real.

This! This right here. It beats everything. My heart has been a ride on a rocky road for a minute but my remedy will always be these girls. After all these years, it still gives me goosebumps thinking about how fortunate i am to have angels in my life. Yes, I have angels in heaven watching over me, we all do, whispering things to the wind guiding us through life, but not everybody has angels on earth. I do. I can't function without them. I give them my heart and they give me a pen. It's cosmic. You can't make this shit up.

I have every intention of holding on to this feeling, coz i don't know when i will feel it again.

You had me at "I hate that bitch too."

One more sleep till i am sitting on a jet in my Marant's on my way to my mommas who i love more than all the stars in the skies for a week!

We gon' eat good, drink good, smoke good, look good, stay up late and bask in LOVE!

I CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW SIKED I AM!!

Payce!

You move through the room like breathing was easy.

I'm chasing my tail whilst you chase your dream.

Lately i've been having this extreme obsession with creating music. I've always played the piano and over the years it has become my 'go-to' when shit hits the fan, but with all the traveling i do it's just too unpractical considering i can't carry it around, bla bla bla, so i started playing the uke. Yeah, that's short for ukulele and yeah i call it the uke, coz i'm super chill and laid back like that.

So here i am, 27 years old, writing lyrics for broken hearts, strumming on this thing day and night like i got someone to sing for. Just another trait to add to my list of crazy. Sometimes i ring my friends and make them listen to me play my songs on speaker phone. I don't think i'm very good yet, but my girls don't give dat fuq, they think everything i do is brilliant and vice versa and that's why we're friends.

If i get too full of myself i might post a video.

Woe.

Bad liver and a broken heart.

Days have been long and nights have been lonely. Summer is passing like a flash and i am having mixed emotions about it. For those who don't know me i am built by millions of tiny particles of crazy and it's not always easy to keep all of that in place. I've been trying to be this "fine" person lately, no not 'good looking "fine"', or 'fine, ill come with you to the cemetery at midnight to smoke a bowl "fine"', simply 'i'm doing fine "fine"'. Too much? Told you i was crazy.

I don't know if i'm anywhere near being fine, but we're okay. Work is hard, mood is light, sky is bright, heart's still heavy at night but we're okay, me and my crazy.

Prison's not that bad and I'll wait for you.

Bring your heaven down here.

You were always perfect. The way you went about things. Your hard work, family values and the way you loved your three girls. I will never stop needing you and your guidance in my life. It will never get easy and no one will ever take your place. Every time i fall in love with a person, a city, a song or a moment, i wish you were here. Missing you still feels unreal..

It's been 8 years daddy, but this day will always be your day no matter how many times 8 years pass. 

Happy birthday our angel, we love you.

Sometimes you miss the memories, not the person.

Just like any other sunday i turn into this ambivalent mixture of wanting to run out to an open field of flowers in a tiny crochet creation and feel the wind in my hair, and bury myself in a sea of blankets and put on music that breaks my heart while i think of everything that could have been. Yep, that's me. My friends and family have learnt to love me. Maybe you will too, someday.

Someday.

When that someday comes and I have grown on you and you have fallen in complete and utter love with my heart and you can't imagine any other 'someday' without me, that's when we start creating memories that will last forever.

Lay your body next to mine and you'll have no regrets.

Sally hearts Margo.

The bff Sally is back from NYC with the rest of my cc mommas and i am stoked to say the least! Most of all because i've been all over the place with my messy piece of a heart lately and she gave me a serving of tough love this morning that was exactly what i needed.

ILOVEYOULIKEWHOA!

Haha, this photo.

Kiss me hard before you go.

My footprints on water.

You are in a city that is not this city, it never was, you never were.

Here.

I held it together, i lifted up, i gave it out. My heart and mind.

W h a t e v e r.

Zero fucks given.

I honestly feel that today marks the beginning of feeling less empty. I'm trying ok? I still think of you. It's so fucking stupid. But it's okay. I know you are happy. I can see it. I like that. I will never be okay with any hoe you call your next girlfriend, but it doesn't mean i'm not happy for you. I wanna be done with this already. I'm so over everything.

Payce.

I wanna hold the hand inside you.

I can't quit you baby, so i'm gonna put you down for a while.

I am addicted to analyzing every single relationship in my life. My relationship with love, friends, family, even my relationship with the sun and the moon. Of course it drives me half way down the road to insanity and i find myself choking on thoughts at every other breath i take. This makes it harder to breathe. It kind of firm, but gently places a grip around my upper chest and i get light-headed.

Thank god this only happens sometimes. 

Just like sometimes..

-I miss us, and i wonder what we could have become if we grew along and not apart.

Me and you and everyone we know.

It is June. I am tired of being brave.

The sky falls and i fall with it. I fall to the floor crying. There's an element of ridiculousness to it, i know it, i feel it. My best-friend Sally tells me all the time. The fact that i'm still crying over how beautiful things used to be in the past. I mean past the hurt and distance, past the lack of light when things got dark, past the battle that i gave up...

YOU will always be a part of me. YOU will always be in my heart. Everything we created is as vivid as the sun but YOU are starting to fade. I am starting to forget what you look like, your scent, the way your hand felt in mine, your laugh, your smile, even when i close my eyes real hard, even when i cry, even in my dreams i can't see you anymore. But i will always remember what you made me feel, the way you loved me, the way you would hold me with all your life. I'm not sure if anybody can love me the way you loved me. I've never felt the way i did with you. You showed me that you had given me your heart completely and with that, the power to break it...

Fuck.

You were my first, my EVERYTHING, but you're not my last. I'm gonna find love again. Maybe it's you, i don't know. It's definitely not gonna be the same love, but one day someone is gonna find me, pick me up and take me away. Someone is gonna wrap their arms around me and love me.

Right?

We found love.

I miss solving my problems with eyeliner and red lipstick.

Where is the feelings switch?

Eventually something you love is going to be taken away. Or you give up on it. Like i did. At least that's how it feels sometimes. The past few weeks have been horrible. It's been turbulent in my heart, messy in my head and completely still around me. It's a shitty mixture and i am dealing with it quite badly. There is no more me in your heart, no more you in my arms and no more us in the world. We have vanished in every sense of the word and it is still, after all this time knocking me down. Well it has to be honest just started knocking me down. The 'no more us' part. It comes and goes as it pleases, the feeling.

I'm sorry i didn't keep fighting for us. I'm sorry i can't feel happy for your happiness. And i'm sorry i remember every stupid little detail about the way you loved me with all your heart. But even more, i am sorry for wrapping myself in sadness.

I need to get my shit together. Get my emotions in check, throw em' in a bag, toss it in the ocean, wave goodbye, walk away and raise my middle finger up in the air!

Give me a life that needs correction; nobody loves, loves perfection.

If I miss you, well, that’s my fault.

smoking this pack of cigarettes like it's air // trying to find you like you're there

shoulda coulda would

but never did

.

We're both screwed up, it creates a bond.

Who would've thought that 1990 would be the year the most dynamic duo in the world would come to fruition? The year you and I met. The year bitches took a mother-fucking seat!

22 years. Can you believe it? It's been t w e n t y t w o years since we started driving each-other mad with love, loss, distance and only getting closer at that. I don't even know where to start, what to say or how to end this. Several times a year i pour my heart out to the world on how much i love you. Today i just want to make you a promise. I want to promise you the world. Not to have and to hold, but to take! I promise to take on this crazy world with you till my dying day. To walk every beautiful piece of land by your side and listen to the greatest songs in the universe from your bed. You and I are forever. We are cosmic. It's like we were written in the stars way before we even met. Our crazy mother's are US, they are beautiful and they have each-other. WE are our amazing dad's, they are in heaven looking down at all the shit we do, laughing. It's a mystery of human chemistry and i don't understand it. Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just feel like home. You feel like home to me! I know we spend majority of the year apart, but i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart. But before this gets too deep i would just like to say,

You are hilarious, beautiful, smart, kind, weird, absolutely bonkers and you're my BFF! I'm glad you we're born. I love you like WHOA!

Happy birthday Agnes Leonora, you truly are a diamond!

We can get good and drunk.

Words from old lovers mouths never really leave us, do they?

There are some mornings, the late ones in particular, where i try to collect all the hazy memories i have of you. I love the lazy feeling this love gives me. The effortless kind, our kind.

I remember when you told me you were gonna teach me how to fly. It was the same day i wore my hair the way you liked it and you kept telling me how beautiful i was. We were so drunk balancing our glasses on our fingertips and staining the entire rug. It was lovely.

Lovely..
That's what you used to call me in the afternoon.

Used to.
Bye.

I think you should just runaway, get away.

Most people love to loose themselves.

Sometimes i look at the sky and it's rain and sun both, noon and midnight. And i curse at the wind as pain and joy floods within me. 

It's late now and the city is sleeping. I close my eyes and listen to the soft sound of the night piercing through my ears. The sky is watercolor blue and my thoughts are in a knot. Half awake, half dreaming i pick up a cigarette and place it between my lips. I light it up, lean my head back and inhale as deep as i can. All i can think of is how much i want you to grab me. Find me in the dark and grab me! Pull me close to you, and swallow my madness.

I want you between me and the feeling i get when i miss you.

By akam1k3.

Truth is.

It feels like you're throwing rocks at my heart. Like you're shooting fire on the ground i walk on. Like your robbing me of the air i breathe.

Sigh..

With one single, not so simple action, you created another storm in my life. Your silence and our distance speaks so much to me right now and i'm feeling unbalanced. I hate this feeling. You always made my heart bleed and fly at the same time. I love you so much it hurts. It hurts from the core of my heart all the way down to the tip of my toes. I've tried to erase you. Well not YOU, just the idea of you i guess. I've kind of tried to get rid of your number that i know by heart. It makes no sense. I feel crazy. It feels like i am in a black hole that i can't get out of. 

How the fuck i am supposed to do this?

Fuck.

Cunt.

Lost in love, love lost.

Love changes and best friends become strangers.

Goodnight world. I'm taking my galaxy dress to sleep and you can come too!

No here, no this, just us.

Baby take off your cool.

Baby, i need your lovin'.

Last night i was feeling lonely and longing for love. So i put on my heart shaped sunnies, sat down on my persian carpet and made a call across the universe to my lover Eizel. It made everything strawberry amazing.

I'm a cartoon, you’re a full moon. Let’s stay up.

I'm the kind of girl who's always catching a flight.

Here are a few photos from my last night in Manila with two of my favorite ores!

Hand me the booze and watch me get fabulous!

Hoes in different area codes!

It is saturday morning, it is sunny and i feel saavvyyyy!

Why? Coz i am flying first class to see my CC mommas after 5 months of being apart, THAT'S why! I cannot wait for a long weekend filled with drunk summer nights and kissing my favorites over and over again! Kicking it off with my one love, one heart, Eve's birthday parlay vouz tonight!

Time to get shitty, in a classy way of course!

Payce mamacholas!

If we never talk again was your time wasted?

First love never dies.

Another shot by the one and only, MY one and only Bj Pascual. You always make me feel beautiful and i owe you the moon for that.

From madness in Manila and midnight in Malaysia, I'm back to life in Sweden.

And just like that, my life as it does this time of year changed from left to right. After 5 months of pure bliss and 24 hours of traveling back in time, i am on European ground again. It's always a bittersweet feeling. A heavy heart filled with gorgeous memories, leaving only to come back. But i am here and i am happy. My lovely family and amazing friends are everywhere and i can't wait to spend the summer with them.

So thank you for now Manila, i am leaving your lavish, loving and loyal arms for a few months. You really are love like no other!

♡

When i say Tai, you say Pei.

Im approaching my last week in Manila before i jet back to Europe for the summer. With that i am packing my bags for a mercury flight to Taipei with my homegirl Dj Jena for the weekend. She is dj'ing at a Moet event on friday and i am doing a little bit of styling and bigger bit of champagne showering. Other than that i'll be exploring the city, eating good, drinking good, smoking good and living good. See you soon love-bugs!

Hungover games!

Today marks the official start of my birthday week in Manila. It is a tradition and we've been doing it for years! It is absolute m a d n e s s and very few come out of it alive. Haha! We go out every day straight for a week (nothing different from any other week out here really....) then top it off with a parlay on my actual birthday! It's kind of like the hunger games!

So to everyone taking part of it this year, may the odds be ever in your favor!

Here is a photo from my birthday last year. It was a fireworks, champagne, rampage kind of night with the best of friends and a bad case of amnesia the following day. Le perfection!

I sometimes wish you would call me, but then i wouldn't know what to say.

I'm turning my safety off.

Love sick, sick of love.

Right in between lost and love.

It's happening all over again. Fuck fuck fuck! I'm right back to falling apart as i fall out of bed and it's too familiar. I thought i was done with this a long time ago, then you come right back into my life and you drive me crazy and i GO crazy in every sense possible and i get paranoid then i snap out of it and just when i think im okay, something punches me in the gut.

Like this morning. I woke up and read the news. The news of your new trick. 

Im done!

Lies, don't want to know.

This is all i feel in this very moment.

Empty.

Be naked when i get home.

Dear mocha choca lovers,

My ass has been royally absent from this beautiful collective lately and for that i apologize. I know you are all pulling your hair, twisting your thumbs and loosing sleep wondering what i am doing half way across the world from my mommas at CC. Here is my story.

Half the year i live in the most amazing place in the world, also known as Manila. Half my life is here. Half my family, half my friends and half my heart. I've been doing this for quite some time now and in some twisted way it works out for me. I am always missing someone, something, someplace, believe that! Being apart from my life in Europe is hardknock, but this is my life right now. I am the kind of girl who is aaalways catching a flight. I fall in love left and right and can't seem to leave fast enough. I am working on something and have been for a very long time. I have met some amazing individuals who have become perfect pieces in my puzzle and all my visions are finally coming into fruition. Things have been crazy for the past few months and the hustle has been hard. But it is a part of the game and i am in love with every single part of it.

As soon as everything is ready for the world to see, you will all be the first to know! So be patient with me and please stick around and take part of my journey as i am on my daily grind and as i dance the nights away.

"The good, the bad, the beautiful: The 16 rocking Manila right now!"

Here is my participation in The Philippine Young Star's anniversary feature on "16 people who rock Manila" alongside Preview Magazine's fashion editor Daryl Chang. Thank you so much to the entire team behind the shoot and for wanting me on board! I've met a battalion of amazing individuals and couldn't be more grateful!

Home is where the heart is.

No, not "baby" anymore, if I need you I'll just use your simple name, only kisses from the cheek from now on. And in a little while, we'll only have to wait.

Today i woke up with a feeling that something had changed. There's a hurricane in my head and my heart feels frozen. I see your name on my phone and it makes me dizzy. I think of how we've been treating each other over the past few months and it makes me sick. I've tried. I've fucking tried. But you leave me with nothing. I know it was my fault. I am perfectly aware that my decisions lead us to this, but what lead me to my decisions? Sigh, i have no need collecting points on who got hurt more, but what we've come to is bigger than me. I thought i could handle it, i thought i could keep calm and let time heal the wounds, but i can't. I gave you too many chances to punch me in the heart and leave me in the rain, but you didn't. Now, i see it all so clearly. Without really understanding, i feel it.

You stopped caring. Not about me nor what we had, you just stopped caring. And with that you created a distance between us and filled that space with meaningless thrills. It makes me sad. I don't recognize you anymore and it makes me want to scream. My sadness is slowly growing into anger and that is the last thing i want. I don't want to hate you, but you are pushing me away with invisible punches and your silent words. I have no idea what to make of any of this and i am getting lightheaded as i type.. 

I don't know if you're beautiful because I love you too much.

The awful weight of loving.

Don't you dare look out your window, darling everything is on fire.

Walking on a dream.

Two months ago i got a phone call from my photographer friend asking if i wanted to model for Preview Magazines april issue. I diagnosed him absolutely bonkers and threw out a nervous laugh. Apparently the Preview team had requested me which also made my heart race just a tad bit. The conversation lasted for about 5 minutes and ended in me agreeing on doing the 6 page editorial. I had no idea what the shoot would be about nor what i had thrown myself into. All i knew is that it was going to be curvy, sexy and fierce! They told me they'd never done a shoot of this kind so i thought why not shake what my momma gave me and do something i'd never done before?

Anyway, the magazine came out two days ago and the feedback i've gotten from lovers and strangers has been grand! I am sooo happy, humble and in awe that so many people loved the editorial. Thanks to the AMAZING team behind it, it all worked out just right. I owe it all to my stardust photographer loves Bj Pascual and the stylist, my darling Patrick Galang.

Thank you to Preview Magazine for making this happen. It really was a dream come true!

You can't afford to ______ me.

I can't believe it's out! Here's a sneak peek of my editorial debut in The Philippines. Go grab your copy of this month's issue of Preview Magazine shot by everyone's favorite photographer, my first love Bj Pascual! More on this later, i am off to drink mimosa's in the sun!

Got the whiskey flu, when all i wanted was you.

Yesterday i woke up to the silence of being away from the city, surrounded by mountain tops, volcanoes, fresh air and coffee on the porch. I have always been in love with getting away. No matter if it's only been for the mere thought of it.

Last month this is what i woke up to, on an island a few hours away from the city-lights. Toes in white sand, light breeze through the palms and turquoise water as far as the eye could see. There's just something about waking up by the beach. Something calm and careless. Something that makes one forget time and space.

I need this back in my life.

Sleepless of you.

I have felt so, so much lately.

I have been absent from the world for quite some time now due to missing love terribly and fighting the flu. Bottles of red wine have been devoured in hopes to cure the two but nothing has worked. I am in dire need of affection and have decided to take on an overnight adventure to the mountains with one of my love-bugs. Come sunday i will be back with poems to shower and photos to share.

So goodnight amazing little diamonds, -close your eyes and kiss the moon.

This song.

Night air.

It is midnight and there's a storm howling outside my floor to ceiling windows as i sit here in my repulsively expensive underwear drinking wine i can't pronounce from my 27th floor condominium. It feels like the entire building is swaying with the wind but it could also just be my constant need of making things more dramatic than they are. However, it's a Thom Yorke kind of night and i've given my troubles the evening off. With the lights off, candles lit and the city skyline view empowering the moment, dancing alone dressed in lace in front of my victorian mirrors feels ridiculously perfect. Blowing kisses, fanning my hair from side to side and making dozy pretend pouts and poses for my imaginary lover/photographer as i switch from sipping to chugging my wine and loosing myself completely to the music is somehow making me feel very v e r y happy. I'll continue with  this till i get too drunk and am reminded that i am lonely, then ill ring you and eventually ask you to come over and wrap your wings around me.

Out of the ash I rise with my long hair and eat men like air.

Heads I win, tales I'm lost.

I would be nothing without these girls. We've committed to a long distance love affair for life and it's only getting better. There isn't a mother-fucker i wouldn't take down for my cholas!

Home is where the heart is.

My bedroom view is all kinds of wonderful. Let's get lost in the moment and play with the lights.