Sleepless of you.

I have felt so, so much lately.

I have been absent from the world for quite some time now due to missing love terribly and fighting the flu. Bottles of red wine have been devoured in hopes to cure the two but nothing has worked. I am in dire need of affection and have decided to take on an overnight adventure to the mountains with one of my love-bugs. Come sunday i will be back with poems to shower and photos to share.

So goodnight amazing little diamonds, -close your eyes and kiss the moon.

This song.

Night air.

It is midnight and there's a storm howling outside my floor to ceiling windows as i sit here in my repulsively expensive underwear drinking wine i can't pronounce from my 27th floor condominium. It feels like the entire building is swaying with the wind but it could also just be my constant need of making things more dramatic than they are. However, it's a Thom Yorke kind of night and i've given my troubles the evening off. With the lights off, candles lit and the city skyline view empowering the moment, dancing alone dressed in lace in front of my victorian mirrors feels ridiculously perfect. Blowing kisses, fanning my hair from side to side and making dozy pretend pouts and poses for my imaginary lover/photographer as i switch from sipping to chugging my wine and loosing myself completely to the music is somehow making me feel very v e r y happy. I'll continue with  this till i get too drunk and am reminded that i am lonely, then ill ring you and eventually ask you to come over and wrap your wings around me.

Out of the ash I rise with my long hair and eat men like air.

Heads I win, tales I'm lost.

I would be nothing without these girls. We've committed to a long distance love affair for life and it's only getting better. There isn't a mother-fucker i wouldn't take down for my cholas!

Home is where the heart is.

My bedroom view is all kinds of wonderful. Let's get lost in the moment and play with the lights.

All about the boy.

Thursday morning rain and flashbacks of what used to be. I read through some of your old love letters to me last night. I still haven't decided if it was a good idea or not. Your words would always hit me like a shot through the heart and in some twisted long distance out of this world kind of way, they still do. It still baffles me how vivid the memories are. How crystal clear every memory of every movement we made together is. It's quite tiring if anything. Beautiful, but tiring. There are times i pick my phone up, dial your number, take two deep breaths, think of how i have no idea what i would say, then put the phone right back down again. I don't know.. I guess i blame the rain. The beautiful, painful, tainted rain.

Love at first sight.

This is my boo thang BJ. We fell in love 4 years ago and he is strawberry amazing. So light one up, grab a drink and mouth off over his perfection -  http://www.bjpascual.com

Mamihlapinatapai.

"A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start."

Paperweight.

I am sorry for the lack of presence lately but i've been busy floating on candy cotton clouds and spending the past few days with the love of my life. My sister. For the past 2 months we have been living and breathing Manila hand in hand, meeting extraordinary people and experiencing the most amazing things together. She's my baby and best friend and i LALALOVE her with all my heart and green hair. Here's one of our last photos before she left me and flew back to her beau in Europe.

You are my star babygirl and i am officially missing you.

"I never stopped feelin' the love for ya, i just stopped being the one for ya."

-I think.

Get fucking filthy.

The backless dress matched the gloomy candy pink sky perfectly, the scent of my collarbones reminded of a hypnotic poison and my hair dropped like waterfalls down to my waist as i sat barefoot on the bearskin rug in front of the fire place. It was 5 am as i opened my second bottle of wine. The entire world had been asleep for hours, while my night had barely started. Alone as i often was this time of night, all i wanted to do was draw lines between the freckles of my arm. It took me back to a good place. A place where there was only you and I.

I so vividly remember how you used to connect my freckles with your finger, saying it reminded you of the solar system as you dissected every detail of my body. Inch by inch you memorized me. Your breath felt like velvet and your stare burned my skin. It was magic. It was the perfect sedation, your hands. I had the notion you'd drive me crazy, i just didn't know it would last this long.

You let him lick it didn't you!!

Kiss with a fist.

Have you ever felt like being alone with your own thoughts is far more exhausting than being in a room filled with a million other people? Like writing a page in your diary drains you more than having an actual conversation with a person of highest social caliber? At times i fleet the real world to escape into my own universe, only to be reminded that's where the ultimate mental exhaustion lies. That's where it manifests itself physically.

Yet i could sleep forever. Over and over again. The thought of lying solely under the sky at the midst of midnight and tapping my fingers on whatever surface i am on to the rhythm of my heartbeat, contents me quietly. There are days where i am calm and collected and hardly even open my mouth, the days where i bother not to care.. Then comes the days where i am inescapably moody. Where i am in love with everyone and everything, including your husky voice which is a result of the 70-oz bottle of whisky you finished last night while dancing your life away.

I have to keep moving. Moving in my own way. If i stand still long enough, everything will fall apart. Keep me safe from seeing what my walls are not strong enough to keep out. I put my trust in you. I love you, whoever you are.

I can't breathe without you but i have to.

I wanted more of him, I always did. No matter what happened between us in the past, I already knew I’d never forget anything about him. As crazy as it sounds, he has become part of me and every night I am dreading the fact that we wont be able to spend the day together tomorrow. Or the day after, or the day after that. But this moment we have created is so real, the feeling alone keeps me safe.

Breathe me.

Here are a few minutes of pure perfection starring my gorgeous friend Ry by Andrian Jutba. Mouth off!

The one who always remembers your sharp tongue.

It's wearing me out of my skin, this feeling. Out of everything that's safe. I can't even speak your name or anything that sounds like it without my stomach wrenching. You've been blowing my mind and i get so weak and unable to breathe. After all this time, I am learning that missing you is quite tiring. My heartbeat changes speed at every other thought of you and i as i type this i am feeling light headed.

Lying on the floor, washed by nothing & hanging on.

When i am lonely and longing for your touch, i think of when i used to study your hand lifting your cigarette. The slope of your shoulder, the angle of your hip. The way my heart would stop when your back was bare and you reached for something on the night-stand as your muscles created a perfect shape. I think of the times when i used to look at you sideways, the contour of your lips and the movement they'd make.

I love to examine you in different lights. My love for you is visual. Don't move, i think. Stay like that. Let me have that. For eternity.

And i miss who we were in a town that we could call our own.

I grabbed my notebook, a block of white stemmed cigarettes, my favorite diptyque candles and a bottle of wine as i shut the door behind me. A spontaneous night by the ocean never felt more appropriate. Fresh air and the sound of the city far away. With my feet dipped in crystal clear water, i lit one up, inhaled and blew the gray smoke towards the purple haze sky. All i wanted in that moment was to feel weightless and that would've been enough. My vintage Valentino dress was getting wet from the lazy waves and boldly started turning sea-through as the tide rose. Why this was my weapon of choice to the beach, i have no explanation for. The opulence and extravagance of the fabric mixed with the emotions i had inside felt like the right kind of dramatic and crazy mixture of feelings i lusted at the time.

22.22

I want to tell you about Sally. She's half my heart and all my life. We come from a line of 22 years of friendship. 22 years of the greatest love stories, roller-coaster experiences and boy trouble. There isn't a thing in this world we haven't gone through together nor is there a crime i wouldn't commit for her. Over the past few years we've been separated more than not and it's hard. Days without her feels like long red-wine soaked autumn nights. She's beautiful. Absolutely magnifying. If you saw her, you'd know. Her heart has been all over the place lately and i've been trying to catch it, but i think she needs to fly. She needs to soak in the world and fly.

When we were younger we promised each-other to never fall apart. That almost happened last year. As much as i want to forget about it, i know it made us stronger. Her hands filled with mood rings will always be my favorite and her comforting voice whenever she calls is my forever salvation. She always tells me to come back. To come home to her. But she knows i am where i have to be right now and that i'll be back once i've finished whatever i need to finish. I am healing my heart and following my dreams but i miss everything. I miss him, i miss home and most of all i miss Sally. We have a treasure box full of secrets and trips and i can't wait to pull them out one by one and turn them into memories.

His heart, my home.

-Waking up to his fingers gently tracing the frame of my face, as the electric morning sun beamed through the white lace curtains barely moved by the breeze covering the outside world. With my eyes still closed i'd been awake for a while as he subtly hummed our most favorite melodies while mentally photographing the moment. This was his moment. It was early and the world stood still. I never felt more alive.

I hate you i love you i miss you.

"4 years of beautiful. That's how I look at it. 4 years of something really fucking spectacular. Hell, we weren't perfect. There were dark days and days that I thought the sun couldn't compare to us. But we were this funky twist of fate that turned into a bond that couldn't be denied, only relished and cherished. Our end wasn't pretty. It wasn't simple. It wasn't painless (they never are). We both did things I thought we'd never do, in good ways and bad. We tried to recreate those 4 years, to go back there and steal maybe one more glint of light from that spark. But it wasn't the same, and after many trials, many different outcomes, we are over. It took something really big to show me that-that it was different, that our 4 years were something so incredible they couldn't be duplicated. But I want you to know, I want this to reach you-in losing you as my boyfriend, my lover, I finally see, after these months of indecision and fear (and hell, i'm still scared now) that i miss you as a person more than anything. The best friend I had in you is the part that I never want to lose. Our 4 years of beautiful are worth an eternity of memories, and the friendship that comes out of being that to someone, should never be lost. I'm not sure when we'll find what works, how we can still be close and not get hurt. But I hope we get there. I really hope we do. So know from here that I still love you, that I would always do anything for you and a large piece of my heart will always be yours. 4 years of fucking beautiful, really fucking beautiful. Thank you for those. Go out and live, show the world what I was lucky enough to see. I love you, forever kid."

Bubbles, warm water, dry air.

It's been so long since i've allowed my thoughts of our tainted love to wander the pages of my diary. My heart has been shattered and overused about a million times over the past few months and i am still trying to figure out how to let things in my life illuminate again. 

Day after day went by and it felt like nothing ever changed, but looking back everything was different. Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on, but i could never run fast enough. Anything i did, it was never enough. I wanted it so bad, believe me i did. I wanted you to be for me in all the ways i had always dreamt of, but it simply wasn't enough. I spent a great deal of minutes of my hours and hours of my days battling between my head and heart wether or not to keep you. Out of pure exhaustion and wanting love so bad, I gave up, i let you in. From that moment on, i also gave up on sanity. I built my walls around us and lost touch of reality. I never felt as much as i did with you. I was vomiting feelings left and right and had completely no chance of holding it together. It is by far one of the most turbulent and beautiful journeys i have ever taken part of. Nothing was ever easy and the world made sure to remind us every other day. But i will never regret you or say that i wish i'd never met you. Because once upon a time you were everything i needed.

I've always been of the ranting kind, the one to rage about my emotions. In silence that is, with the ink of my parker on the pages of my moleskine. But it's time. It's time for me to stop everything and let the wind lead me to wherever i am supposed to be.

Trances and portents.

Everything reminds me of you. Your hands, your words and the things they'd make me feel. You were my drops of Jupiter. And now, all i want is blackness. Blackness and silence. 

Sometimes I put on a smile and i dance. For a little while, I'm happy. I'm not ignoring the fact that i'm sad or lonely, I just want to smile. Wallowing does no good, and the memory is important. I love my lovely memories with you, because it is very unlikely that anybody will make me feel that way you did. Being with you and being apart from you killed me, but somehow everything was always lovely. It was hard more often than easy but it was passion and it was amazing and as much as it made me cry it drove me mad with love. And for that, i thank you.

Next time what I'd do is look at the earth before saying anything.

This weekend i attended my first ever festival in Asia and there's nothing less to say than that it was sheer and utter perfection. Never have i experienced such a high in nature. We spent the weekend at a beautiful resort by the beach, dining breakfast to sunrise, lashing around in white sand and dipping our feet in turquoise water in between dancing drunk in sun and rain to music and art. I've discovered so many amazing new talents of my motherland and encountered some beautiful new souls to add to my life. Being raised in Europe i've been spoiled by festivals left and right but never have i experienced an outdoor event of this kind. The scenery, the fresh air, the spiritual and cultural mix of music, arts and people from all over the world was beyond all expectations. Waking up to the smell of the ocean and devoting ourselves to nights of mountaintop excellence has oddly as it sounds done something to me. I have fallen in love with mother nature once again and cannot wait to continue exploring the world.

A video montage from my weekend will be up shortly.

"The Malasimbo Music & Arts Festival is truly one of the world's most enchanting of it's kind; set in the lush rolling tropical paradise of the Philippines, flanked by coconut trees and verdant hills, it's hard to imagine a place so naturally spectacular as the Puerto Galera area, where in the background climbs Mount Malasimbo itself.  

The grass-terraced amphitheater, 250m above sea level, overlooks Puerto Galera Bay, a member of  "The Most Beautiful Bays in the World".

The festival is seen as one of the most important in the country, helping to spearhed the country's continued advance in music, arts & culture.  It blends traditional & contemporary arts & culture with a holistic approach through reforestation & marine preservation"

www.malasimbofestival.com

Crushed, beaten down and hopelessly in love.

Lately i've been possessed by a vague feeling of delusion. I create scenarios in my head and you are in them all. I haven't figured out if these scenarios are fragments of my imagination or bits and pieces taken out of my memory. I tend not to know left from right when i dream of you. Your words are clear as day but your presence is grey. I don't actually know if you're there... That is the part where i pour one on the rocks, close my eyes and imagine you imagining me. This is my salvation. My only one.

"I'm fine", she lied.

There are times a sudden change of weather makes me think of all the things i forgot to tell you. It can happen anywhere and it knocks me breathless. A summary of all our exchanged words strums on strings through my mind and in digression my soul floats out of my body, over the ocean and into your arms.
-I love you. I always loved you. Even before we met. In some twisted way i think you were made for me. Maybe not forever, maybe for all the wrong reasons, but for that time, for those emotions and for those specific kisses, you were made for me.

I'm Lala, i make jewelry amongst other things and you just might be my future boyfriend.